Predators: A Musical
So saw Predators over the weekend.
It started off promising enough. Then within three minutes the cliches started flying. And kept on flying. There were some interesting bits among the cliches and cribbing from other movies — cribbing from Predators, of course, is to be expected, but what the frak was up with the Kurosawa sword fight in the field? — but not enough to keep my mind from wandering while I watched it, imagining a much better movie:
Predators: The Musical.
Which is a full-tilt Broadway faux rock opera. Where the characters sing their cliched dialog in full-throated anguish, the Predators fly in on wires, and the grass-field sword fight is a waltz with severed limbs and silk ribbons as blood.
Anyway, it was still better than Alien vs. Predator: Requiem.
Adventures in Clay
So Amy treated me to a night of clay modeling last night. First time I’ve worked clay since I built a Tie Fighter mug in fifth grade.
The good ones — Amy did those.
Despicable Inception – My Two Movie Weekend
Saw both Despicable Me and Inception over the weekend.
Despicable Me was a boat-load of unequivocal fun. A simple story, well told, and some great gags. My only regret is we didn’t see it in 3-D, but mostly only for the roller coaster scene — didn’t notice its absence anywhere else.
Inception, on the other hand… not so unequivocal. It was a solid action movie, yes. And a fine PKD-ian sci-fi movie. But was it a great movie? Nope. It was good — and I loved all the in-camera practical effects — but it was overlong, over-expository, and it seemed to completely ignore the way people dream in favor of an invented, mundane dream experience. But maybe that was necessary to do the action story Nolan wanted to do. There were a couple of logic holes, too — why when the first dream layer went freefall, and the second lost “gravity”, didn’t the third layer also loose gravity? Wounds from the first layer carried through to the third — so freefall should have as well. Maybe I missed the explanation. There sure was a lot of explanation. Maybe a bit much. But my biggest pet-peeve of the movie: the ending, suggesting [SPOILER] that the happy ending is still part of the dream — a fifth layer. End the movie already.
RoboTwister vs. Sharkazaurus – Pages 10 to 13
And now, the next couple of scenes, where-in our “hero” is introduced. If you need a refresher, the first 9 pages are here. And if you like / dislike / are inspired to write a haiku, please leave a comment. thanks.
EXT. DAYTON COLLEGE OF TECHNOLOGY, MAIN QUAD – DAY
Screaming in pain, DOOGIE, a student, clutches his own blood-spurting hand to his chest while a ROBOT BULLDOG, severed finger clenched in its jaw, runs merrily away from him.
A group of CO-ED STUDENTS and DR. ALEXANDER HUXLEY rush up to Doogie. Huxley is in his thirties, tall and lanky, wearing a dirty, wrinkled lab coat over a Ramones tee-shirt and jeans, and sporting a belt crammed with odd devices and tools, including what appears to be a toy-store-bought light-saber.
Huxley steps up to the whimpering Doogie.
HUXLEY
Oh, stop your whining -- what did you expect? You give a robot jaws and razor sharp teeth, he’s going to bite something. Here, let me see...
Huxley roughly takes Doogie’s hand and sniffs it.
HUXLEY (CONT’D)
Barely a flesh wound. You’ll be fine. They’ll sew a toe on or something.
That brings on a fresh round of whimpering tears from Doogie. Huxley lets go of Doogie’s hand, and wiping the blood from his own hand on his lab-coat, turns to the students.
HUXLEY (CONT’D)
Somebody want to whip up a tourniquet for Mr. Whiney here?
One of the students takes off his shirt and gets to work on Doogie. Huxley shades his eyes and spins around, scanning the Quad.
HUXLEY (CONT’D)
Now, where’d that little beast of a class project get to?
STUDENT ONE
(Pointing)
I think he went that way, Professor Huxley.
Huxley stops spinning to glare at Student One.
HUXLEY
Sure... in the exact opposite direction from the blood trail and the mechanical barking. Morons, the lot of you.
He heads off, the students following at his heels, pulling a folded men’s magazine from his back pocket and rolling it up tight.
HUXLEY (CONT’D)
How many times do I have to tell you people? First thing you build into your ‘bot is a remote kill switch. That way you’re not chasing them all over campus when they inevitably go on a Snausage run and killing spree.
STUDENT TWO
You don’t think it’ll actually kill somebody, do you?
HUXLEY
Well, if it doesn’t, you’re all getting D’s --
A jet engine roar above gets their attention -- they stop and turn to see the Special Division Mobile Command C-5, riding VTOL jets, settling in for a landing in the Quad’s center.
HUXLEY (CONT’D)
Oh, what now?
He hands the rolled-up magazine to Student One.
HUXLEY (CONT’D)
Here.
STUDENT ONE
Umm... what am I supposed to do with this?
HUXLEY
Read it, spank to it, hit the robot on the snout with it to teach it some manners. I don’t care -- something much more interesting has come up. Good hunting.
Patting Student One’s back, Huxley is off and heading for the C-5, leaving the group of students looking after him, confused.
EXT. SPECIAL DIVISION MOBILE COMMAND – MOMENTS LATER
Parked and its jets idling, the C-5’s rear cargo bay ramp descends. Saunders and Cho walk down it.
LIEUTENANT CHO
The general’s not serious about this, is she? I’ve heard the stories. He’s a wash-out. A flake.
COLONEL SAUNDERS
Correct on both counts, and then some, but Huxley led a para-team under Donovan -- before General Vance took over Special Division and cleaned house. Whatever else he is, Huxley’s one of the best para-scientists alive.
LIEUTENANT CHO
But he was part of the house cleaning. There’s got to be somebody else.
They reach the bottom of the ramp and watch Huxley -- slugging down a hit from a flask -- striding across the Quad towards them.
COLONEL SAUNDERS
There’s nobody else, Lieutenant. X-247 saw to that. Look, nobody’s happy about this, especially not the general, but this guy may be our only hope. And hey, we may get lucky. He may tell us ‘no.’
Huxley reaches the ramp. He slips the flask away in a back pocket.
HUXLEY
To what do I owe the displeasure, Saunders? I forget to turn in my key-card to Groom Lake, or are you here to enroll in a class? You’re in luck there – we have incredibly low admission standards, even for a community college. Frankly, if you’ve got fifty bucks and no self-respect, you’re in. You work for Vance, so we know you don’t have any self-respect. But do you have fifty bucks? I ordered a pizza for lunch and the delivery guy might have weed.
COLONEL SAUNDERS
Your country needs you, Huxley. Special Division needs you. General Vance is waiting.
HUXLEY
Yeah, well, the general can keep waiting. Or did she forget she threw me out of Special Division with that wonderful parting gift of a dishonorable discharge?
COLONEL SAUNDERS
The general gave you multiple chances to get your act together. More than you deserved. You drank yourself into that discharge.
HUXLEY
Well, let’s give gross insubordination its due, too. And I’ve only gotten better at both since. Which begs the question: Why in hell would she want me back in?
COLONEL SAUNDERS
Groom Lake’s been destroyed, and along with it every senior scientist and team Special Division had.
HUXLEY
Oh, so she doesn’t have a choice? Well, in that case, lead the way.
Disappointed, Saunders heads up the ramp, Huxley following, Cho bringing up the rear.
INT. SPECIAL DIVISION MOBILE COMMAND, C&C – CONTINUOUS
At the top of the ramp, Huxley stops, takes the hustle and bustle of C&C in.
HUXLEY
Funny, I didn’t think I missed this place. Aww... what happened to the disco ball?
Saunders stops, Cho continues on past them for the central podium, tapping his headset and softly asking for a status report.
COLONEL SAUNDERS
Special Division has changed for the better since your time, Huxley. We take things a little more seriously.
HUXLEY
It doesn’t get more serious than disco --
GENERAL VANCE
Dr. Huxley.
Huxley looks to see General Vance coming towards him, hand outstretched. Huxley ignores the hand.
HUXLEY
Beatrice.
General Vance doesn’t acknowledge the slight.
GENERAL VANCE
Thank you for putting our past differences aside to come to the aid of your country.
HUXLEY
Don’t get ahead of yourself. I’m just here to see how bad you screwed up. And for the in-flight snack.
GENERAL VANCE
Then let’s get this bird in the air and you briefed. -- Somebody want to get the Doc some peanuts?
Robo-Twister Versus Sharkazaurus – First 9 Pages
Here it is… the first nine pages, which makes up the entire opening sequence. And yes, there are nukes.
EXT. TRAILER PARK (TONOPAH, NEVADA) – DAY
Dark clouds ominously roll in from the horizon, throwing the run-down trailers into shadow.
At the edge of the trailer park, the door of a double-wide flies open and out storms a pissed-off BRITNEY -- 19, blonde, buxom, wearing a wifebeater and cutoffs -- towards a rusty pickup parked nearby. BOBBY-JOE -- 20, lean and greasy -- appears in the trailer doorway, pulling his jeans on.
BOBBY-JOE
What’s the big deal, Britney? You said you was up for a three-way.
Britney stops at the truck and turns back to glare at Bobby-Joe.
BRITNEY
Yeah, but not with her.
Britney points at MILEY -- 19, brunette, in a peek-a-boo nighty -- stepping up behind Bobby-Joe.
BOBBY-JOE
Aww, honey-bunny... come on. It’s my birthday, the kids are at Family Services, and cousin Miley’s only in town ‘till the weekend.
The wind picks up.
MILEY
Got to get back to Reno. That’s our busy time at the cat house.
(To Bobby-Joe)
Let her go, cousin. She’s just scarred to be compared to a professional.
The wind’s really blowing now.
BRITNEY
Scarred? I’ll show you scarred.
She pulls off her wife-beater. And of course she’s not wearing a bra.
BRITNEY (CONT’D)
No whore can do my man better than me.
Bobby-Joe slaps his hands together in anticipation.
BOBBY-JOE
Well, hot damn --
Bobby-Joe and Miley see something frightening behind Britney, then Miley pulls Bobby-Joe into the trailer, Bobby-Joe scrambling to shut the door behind him.
Confused, Britney hears a roar of wind, and an odd, throbbing electronic hum behind her. She turns to see the pickup lifted effortlessly into the air and swept away by a spinning wall of dust and debris. It is ROBO-TWISTER, a massive cyclone, its base dozens of feet wide, glowing from within with a pulsing green light. Britney stares at it in shock, then horror as BUZZING SAWBLADE-TIPPED MECHANICAL ARMS spring out from Robo-Twister’s swirling body.
Britney screams.
A sawblade whips through her torso, cutting her in half.
Both halves of her are lifted into the air and spun round, buffeted along the outside of Robo-Twister as the cyclone -- sawblades whirring and whipping -- plows into the trailer, turning it into matchsticks.
EXT. SKY ABOVE NEVADA – CONTINUOUS
Four USAF F-35 fighter jets roar across the desert, piloted by RED ONE, RED TWO, RED THREE, and RED FOUR.
RED TWO
Anybody know what the hell they’re sending us chasing after?
RED ONE
Command could only say that whatever it is, it came out of Groom Lake.
RED THREE
Special Division let another one get away from them?
RED FOUR
Great... so why aren’t they out here?
RED ONE
‘Cause it’s our job to clean up their... Shit...
Through his canopy Red One sees ROBO-TWISTER Spinning and heaving away from a flattened trailer park into open desert.
RED TWO
It’s a twister!
A pinprick of green light appears deep within Robo-Twister’s swirling dust and debris body.
RED THREE
They want us to shoot down a twister? This some kind of joke?
The pinprick swivels around towards the incoming fighters.
RED FOUR
It’s okay, I wore my ruby slippers today --
With a thundering ELECTRONIC CRACK, green lightning flashes out from the pinprick and slams into Red Four’s jet, disintegrating it.
RED ONE
Evasive! Weapons free!
Red One and Red Two peel out of formation. Red Three hits afterburners and charges straight at Robo-Twister, cannons blazing.
The bullets whiz through Robo-Twister, having no effect -- except getting the attention of the pinprick of green light. It reappears, tracking Red Three on its strafing run.
RED THREE
Guns are going right through it.
He sees the pinprick begin to flash and jinks his jet hard left just in time to avoid the fork of lightning that strikes out at him.
RED ONE
Radar swears there’s a solid central core. Stick to missiles.
Red Two arcs around Robo-Twister’s back for a run at it.
RED TWO
Hear that.
He lines Robo-Twister up in his electronic sites. The MISSILE LOCK buzzer sounds. He thumbs the trigger.
RED TWO (CONT’D)
Fox two!
Missiles fly out from under Red Two’s wings and down into Robo-Twister as Red Two thrusts on past. Deep within Robo-Twister, the missiles explode -- with only a flash of light and a muffled BOOM, but no discernible effect on the tornado.
As he’s flying away, Red Two cranes around to try to look behind him.
RED TWO (CONT’D)
Was that a hit?
Red Three banks, flying a tight circle around Robo-Twister’s midsection, squinting into the swirling chaos.
RED THREE
Damned if I can --
Without warning, a sawblade-tipped arm whips out of the chaos, slices Red Three’s jet in half. Its halves go down tumbling in flames.
RED TWO
Did you see that? Tell me that didn’t just happen!
RED ONE
We are in over our heads here.
LIEUTENANT CHO
(Over Radio)
Then get out of the way.
RED ONE
Who the hell is that?
INT. SPECIAL DIVISION MOBILE COMMAND, C&C – CONTINUOUS
The cargo hold of this Galaxy C-5 has been converted into a fully functional and hi-tech Command and Control center, bustling with activity.
USAF Special Division LIEUTENANT CHO stands at the central command podium, headset in his ear, watching a floating hologram of the action around Robo-Twister.
LIEUTENANT CHO
This is Special Division Mobile Command. Thanks for keeping her busy, boys...
EXT. SKY ABOVE NEVADA – CONTINUOUS
The modified Galaxy C-5 Special Division Mobile Command roars out of the sun.
LIEUTENANT CHO (O.S.)
...but this dance is ours.
As the F-35s peel off and fly away, weapon pods under the C-5’s wings split open, revealing racks and racks of missiles -- dozens of them.
In staggered groups of four and five, the missiles launch and streak towards Robo-Twister, fanning out and around to come at the cyclone from all directions.
As the missiles converge on Robo-Twister, dozens of green pinpricks appear deep inside it and quickly track and lock on to the incoming missiles. Robo-Twister heaves, and green lighting flashes out from the pinpricks to destroy each incoming missile before any have a chance to get close.
As the last missile is blown out of the sky, the green pinpricks merge into a single, large pulsing green light, which turns menacingly towards the incoming C-5.
INT. SPECIAL DIVISION MOBILE COMMAND, C&C – CONTINUOUS
GENERAL VANCE -- early fifties, compact, stern -- and her attache, COLONEL SAUNDERS, watch the green “eye” turn towards them in the central command podium hologram.
COLONEL SAUNDERS
Looks like we got its attention.
LIEUTENANT CHO
Are we going for capture, ma’am?
GENERAL VANCE
That thing took out Groom Lake. I want it in pieces. The tinier the better.
LIEUTENANT CHO
Affirm. Now, let’s see what we’re really shooting at...
(Into headset)
Launch the boomers.
EXT. SKY ABOVE NEVADA – CONTINUOUS
Segmented domes on either side of the C-5 split open, to each spit out dozens of baseball-sized orbs. With a HORNET-LIKE WHINE the orbs zip ahead of the C-5 and form a loose flock, then streak out, lighting-fast, at Robo-Twister.
Robo-Twister’s massive pulsing green eye fires a beam which swipes through the oncoming flock of orbs -- but the flock splits in two to avoid the beam’s destructive powers.
The orb flock re-forms and reaches within feet of Robo-Twisters swirling dust-and-debris body, then suddenly contracts down, all the orbs flying towards and DETONATING against each other, creating a powerful SHOCKWAVE.
The shockwave blows the debris and dust away from Robo-Twister, revealing the structure underneath: a two-hundred feet high robot, with a spinning, segmented “spinal” cord dangling from a massive, bulbous “skull”, the whole thing floating dozens of feet off the desert floor.
From each segment along its spine pop out a dozen sawblade-tipped arms, and the green light -- a pulsing energy disk on its bulbous skull -- swings around as the whole structure heaves and then like a coiled-snake bounds up into the air with an ANGRY ROAR towards the C-5.
INT. SPECIAL DIVISION MOBILE COMMAND, C&C – CONTINUOUS
Lieutenant Cho can’t tear his eyes away from the naked Robo-Twister charging straight for them in the podium hologram.
LIEUTENANT CHO
Ma’am?
GENERAL VANCE
You are authorized.
COLONEL SAUNDERS
General... we need presidential approval for --
GENERAL VANCE
We have to stop this thing before it leaves the desert, Colonel. The president will understand.
(To Cho)
Do it.
LIEUTENANT CHO
(Into headset, grimly)
We are go for the nuclear cannon. Fire at will.
EXT. SKY ABOVE NEVADA – CONTINUOUS
A door on the C-5’s nose-cone slides open and out extends a deceptively slender cannon barrel. The cannon fires with a surprisingly slight KA-THUNK -- straight at Robo-Twister’s skull.
The nuclear “bullet” hits Robo-Twister and detonates enveloping Robo-Twister in a broiling fireball.
The C-5 banks to avoid the expanding fireball and ensuing mushroom cloud -- but it can not escape the shockwave.
INT. SPECIAL DIVISION MOBILE COMMAND, C&C – CONTINUOUS
The shockwave passes, shaking C&C and its occupants as the lights go out then red, and emergency klaxons sound. Only General Vance doesn’t waiver -- she keeps her footing, staring into the maelstrom of fire in the podium hologram.
GENERAL VANCE
Report.
Cho steadies himself on the podium, surveys the monitors spread out around C&C.
EXT. SKY ABOVE NEVADA – CONTINUOUS
The firestorm disperses, revealing a mangled, but still intact, Robo-Twister, falling, smouldering, towards the desert floor.
Robo-Twister craters deep into the desert floor, creating an obscuring cloud of dirt and dust -- out of which, after a moment, Robo-Twister heaves itself, using its sawblade-tipped arms.
INT. SPECIAL DIVISION MOBILE COMMAND, C&C – CONTINUOUS
Vance, Saunders and Cho stare into the podium hologram, where Robo-Twister is haltingly crawling away from the crater.
LIEUTENANT CHO
We hurt it... but we didn’t kill it.
GENERAL VANCE
We will. Chamber another nuke and bring us around, Lieutenant.
LIEUTENANT CHO
Affirm -- what the hell is it doing now?
EXT. NEVADA DESERT – CONTINUOUS
Visibly struggling, smoke pouring from tears in its metal skin, Robo-Twister stops crawling and rears its massive skull -- its large green disk eye swinging around to point at the ground. A thick beam of energy pulses out from the disk and into the ground, rapidly creating a hole -- and an escape tunnel.
Robo-Twister heaves itself into the hole and vanishes down the tunnel.
INT. SPECIAL DIVISION MOBILE COMMAND, C&C – CONTINUOUS
In the podium hologram, Vance, Saunders and Cho watch Robo-Twister’s tail disappear down the tunnel.
GENERAL VANCE
Damn it. It’s going underground.
LIEUTENANT CHO
To hide?
COLONEL SAUNDERS
And to self-heal.
GENERAL VANCE
Track it.
Cho touches his headset, getting a report.
LIEUTENANT CHO
Trying to... We’ve lost it.
COLONEL SAUNDERS
We won’t find it again until it wants to be found.
LIEUTENANT CHO
When will that be, sir?
COLONEL SAUNDERS
When it finishes healing itself and wants payback.
GENERAL VANCE
We need to be ready when it does. I want a briefing with all teams. Right now.
COLONEL SAUNDERS
Ma’am... all the para-teams were at Groom Lake for the X-247 beta. They’re gone.
GENERAL VANCE
Then we’re well and truly screwed, aren’t we?
COLONEL SAUNDERS
There is one --
GENERAL VANCE
No.
COLONEL SAUNDERS
What choice do we have?
Jared Hess is Not One of Us
After seeing and getting excited about the trailer way back when (“Oh, my holy crap, surveillance does! I hate those.”) I finally got around to watching Gentlemen Broncos (IMDB | Amazon) last week. It’s a decent enough movie — typical Jared Hess (Napoleon Dynamite, Nacho Libre), a character piece with a sweet heart at its weird middle — but unfortunately one that also disses sci-fi, sci-fi writing, and sci-fi fans.
Hess hits all the tired stereotypical anti-sci-fi/geeklife points. His sci-fi writers are either hapless nerds or self-obsessed egomaniacs. His sci-fi novels (even the good ones) are awkwardly written, inanely plotted, and hopelessly cliched. His sci-fi fans are all costume wearing, wide-eyed sheep-freaks.
All for comedic effect, sure. But not funny. Just tired and, frankly, the more I think about it, insulting. Intentionally so? Can’t say. But intentional or not, Gentlemen Broncos just comes off as a subtle slap in the face to geeks — no better than the typical pandering-yet-insulting sci-fandom-tinged episode of Bones.
So, if you want to see a movie that respects sci-fi and sci-fi fans, see Galaxy Quest (Amazon).
Robo-Twister Versus Sharkazaurus – First Five Pages (For Real This Time)
Okay, here is the real — I promise — first five pages of Robo-Twister versus Sharkazaurus (formerly Sharkasaurus versus RoboTwister, formerly Mr. Smith Goes to Washington). I think it hums along real nice. Hope you agree.
EXT. TRAILER PARK (TONOPAH, NEVADA) – DAY
Dark clouds ominously roll in from the horizon, throwing the run-down trailers into shadow.
At the edge of the trailer park, the door of a double-wide flies open and out storms a pissed-off BRITNEY -- 19, blonde, buxom, wearing a wifebeater and cutoffs -- towards a rusty pickup parked nearby. BOBBY-JOE -- 20, lean and greasy -- appears in the trailer doorway, pulling his jeans on.
BOBBY-JOE
What’s the big deal, Britney? You said you was up for a menage a trois.
Britney stops at the truck, rummages in her purse for keys. The wind picks up.
BRITNEY
If you meant a 3-way, Bobby-Joe, why didn’t you just say 3-way? Why you have to go and use them foreign words nobody understands? You were just trying to trick me -- I thought you meant that Eye-talian cake that takes like coffee!
BOBBY-JOE
What, you mean tiramisu?
Brittany stops rummaging and turns towards Bobby-Joe.
BRITNEY
There you go again! Who you think you are, Regis Philbin?
BOBBY-JOE
Aww, honey-bunny... come on. It’s my birthday, the kids are at Family Services, and cousin Miley’s only in town ‘till the weekend.
MILEY -- 19, brunette, in a peek-a-boo nighty -- steps up behind Bobby-Joe. The wind’s really blowing now.
MILEY
Got to get back to Reno. That’s our busy time at the cat house. -- Let her go, cousin. She’s just scarred to be compared to a professional.
BRITNEY
Scarred? I’ll show you scarred.
She pulls off her wife-beater. And of course she’s not wearing a bra.
BRITNEY (CONT’D)
No whore can do my man better than me.
Bobby-Joe slaps his hands together in anticipation.
BOBBY-JOE
Well, hot damn --
Bobby-Joe and Miley see something frightening behind Britney.
Confused, Britney looks down at her own chest.
BRITNEY
What? The stitches open up again?
Britney looks up as Miley is pulling Bobby-Joe into the trailer, Bobby-Joe scrambling to shut the door behind him.
Britney hears a roar of wind, and an odd, throbbing electronic hum behind her. She turns to see the pickup lifted effortlessly into the air and swept away by a spinning wall of dust and debris. It is ROBO-TWISTER, a massive cyclone, its base dozens of feet wide, glowing from within with a pulsing green light. Britney stares at it in shock, then horror as BUZZING SAWBLADE-TIPPED MECHANICAL ARMS spring out from Robo-Twister’s swirling body.
Britney screams.
A sawblade whips through her torso, cutting her in half.
Both halves of her are lifted into the air and spun round, buffeted along the outside of Robo-Twister as the cyclone -- sawblades whirring and whipping -- plows into the trailer, turning it into matchsticks.
EXT. SKY ABOVE NEVADA – CONTINUOUS
Four USAF F-16 fighter jets roar across the desert, piloted by RED ONE, RED TWO,RED THREE, and RED FOUR.
RED TWO
Anybody know what the hell they’re sending us chasing after?
RED ONE
Command could only say that whatever it is, it came out of Groom Lake.
RED TWO
Special Division let another one get away from them?
RED THREE
I heard it took out Groom Lake when it did.
RED FOUR
And we’re flying towards it why?
RED ONE
‘Cause it’s our job to clean up their... Shit...
Through his canopy Red One sees ROBO-TWISTER Spinning and heaving away from a flattened trailer park into open desert.
RED TWO
It’s a twister!
A pinprick of green light appears deep within Robo-Twister’s swirling dust and debris body.
RED THREE
They want us to shoot down a twister? This some kind of joke?
The pinprick swivels around towards the incoming fighters.
RED FOUR
It’s okay, I wore my ruby slippers today --
With a thundering ELECTRONIC CRACK, green lightning flashes out from the pinprick and slams into Red Four’s jet, disintegrating it.
RED ONE
Evasive! Weapons free!
Red One and Red Two peel out of formation. Red Three hits afterburners and charges straight at Robo-Twister, cannons blazing.
The bullets whiz through Robo-Twister, having no effect -- except getting the attention of the pinprick of green light. It reappears, tracking Red Three on its strafing run.
RED THREE
Guns are going right through it.
He sees the pinprick begin to flash and jinks his jet hard left just in time to avoid the fork of lightning that strikes out at him.
RED ONE
Radar swears there’s a solid central core. Stick to missiles.
Red Two arcs around Robo-Twister’s back for a run at it.
RED TWO
Hear that.
He lines Robo-Twister up in his electronic sites. The MISSILE LOCK buzzer sounds. He thumbs the trigger.
RED TWO (CONT’D)
Fox two!
Missiles fly out from under Red Two’s wings and down into Robo-Twister as Red Two thrusts on past. Deep within Robo-Twister, the missiles explode -- with only a flash of light and a muffled BOOM, but no discernible effect on the tornado.
As he’s flying away, Red Two cranes around to try to look behind him.
RED TWO (CONT’D)
Was that a hit?
Red Three banks, flying a tight circle around Robo-Twister’s midsection, squinting into the swirling chaos.
RED THREE
How the hell can we tell?
Without warning, a sawblade-tipped arm whips out of the chaos, slices Red Three’s jet in half.
RED TWO
Did you see that? Tell me that didn’t just happen!
RED ONE
We are in over our heads here.
LIEUTENANT CHO
(Over Radio)
Then get out of the way.
RED ONE
Who the hell is that?
INT. SPECIAL DIVISION MOBILE COMMAND, C&C – CONTINUOUS
The cargo hold of this Galaxy C-5 has been converted into a fully functional and hi-tech Command and Control center, bustling with activity.
USAF Special Division LIEUTENANT CHO stands at the central command podium, headset in his ear, watching a floating hologram of the action around Robo-Twister.
LIEUTENANT CHO
This is Special Division Mobile Command. Thanks for keeping her busy, boys...
EXT. SKY ABOVE NEVADA – CONTINUOUS
The modified Galaxy C-5 Special Division Mobile Command roars out of the sun.
LIEUTENANT CHO (O.S.)
...but the next dance is ours.
Weapon pods under her wings split open, revealing racks and racks of missiles -- dozens of them. In staggered groups of four and five, they launch.
And streak towards Robo-Twister.
Arkham Polytech’s Dead Slow and Needs Fixed
The Arkham Polytech web site has been deteriorating for a month now. Thought it was the server, but that’s been switched, and the other sites on that same server (including Slackpocalypse) are nice and speedy. Page loads are horrible, and getting in to the admin back end (and taking any actions once I’m in there) takes 30 plus seconds. I seriously think my viewer numbers would be higher if people could actually access the site. I have no idea what’s causing the problem, but I know what may fix it… I’m redoing the backend from the ground up. New DB and all. Hopefully the changeover, which will happen over the next few days depending on how much time I can devote to it, will be transparent and mostly harmless. However, I may lose all the comments people have entered — which really sucks, ’cause I love comments. But if that’s what it takes to get the site healthy again… I do what I must do.
Roy Batty, You’re My Hero
I was watching the making-of Blade Runner documentary Dangerous Days over the weekend (again) and an odd idea hit me: Batty is the protagonist of Blade Runner. He’s the hero. Deckard is actually the antagonist. And that realization only makes me love the movie more.
Let me ’splain.
Classic story structure demands the protagonist is the person that moves the plot forward through their actions, is the person audiences are the most sympathetic to, and who takes final action in the climax to end the story conclusively. Batty fits all three bills in a way Deckard does not.
Batty is on a quest. He’s a slave looking to find his origins, to live longer — and enjoy the same freedom others have. He takes care of and cares for his fellow freedom-seeking slaves in a very paternal way. Yes, he kills, but in the context of his quest, the killing is justified. His actions dictate the ebb and flow of the story — he is proactive. And in the end, it’s his decision to simply let go and die, at peace with his life — and letting Deckard live.
Deckard, on the other hand, is a wash-out who shoots women in the back. His actions are re-active. And in the end, he impotently sits by while Batty dies.
Making the “bad guy” the protagonist and the “star” the antagonist probably, more than anything, explains why Blade Runner was a flop when it was first released. And, I think, it was perhaps the final giant nail in the coffin of the 1970s anti-establishment film movement, moving us inexorably towards the cookie-cutter Hero’s journey formula movies that have dominated since.
Jonah Hex – or, A Coffin Full of Suck
Ah, Jonah Hex. The movie. Also known as the Crow Goes to the Wild Wild West. Seriously. That’s the plot. Of all the movies to model on, they chose those two?
Yeah, it was bad. Uwe Boll bad? No. But not good.
And this was one of the ones I was sorta looking forward to. I mean, horse with gatling gun, right? Sure that was cool, but it was used once in the beginning of the movie, and then Jonah traded down for some weird dynamite crossbow things. Jonah wasn’t the only one making bad decisions like that in the movie. In front of or behind the camera. I won’t catalog the stupidity — I don’t have all day. I will mention one, though, since it’s a doozy, in terms of setting up motivations. Jonah Hex’s backstory, as presented in the movie, has him killing a superior officer who wanted to burn down a hospital. This the trigger for the rest of the movie, setting everything in motion. But do we see that confrontation on screen? Nope. We are told about it several times. It might have been quite the dramatic scene, but all we get are words, most of them mumbled by Hex. It’s not like they didn’t have time to show it — the movie’s less than 90 minutes long, credits included. It was just lazy story-telling.
The whole thing was that lazy.
But on the bright side, there were plenty of explosions. And a cool (if completely implausible and apparently magic) super-gatling canon. And, at least at the theater we saw it, the Tron Legacy trailer, which dripped with awesome.
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